I do…I do have a blog.

In the past two months I have had at least 12 people tell me I should start a blog. Note to the world…I have a blog…that I have not contributed to in at least 6 months…so you probably didn’t even know.  So for those of you who follow my madness on here, here’s an update on my life.

I now have four kids. More wisdom in why packing a hospital bag is pointless. More knowledge in how best to have a disastrously messy house. More insanity. Less sleep. Less time to do things that bring me peace and serenity and more time living in extra chaos…and less dog hair as we “re-homed” our dog.

On that note… I find that people are more apt to be interested in your dog if you use the phrase “re-home” and post pictures of him/her not in front of a completely destroyed backyard. Anyway, a sweet family came to pick him up yesterday. My youngest daughter cried for hours! Ironically…she never played with him. Ever.

After loading him up and getting the crier calmed down, we went to Atwoods and bought all the things to plant. Flowers, blueberries, strawberries, grass. Looked at a new hammock since the last one was eaten. Then…played in the backyard for hours!

This dog was the first one in 20 years that I have had a bit of a soft spot for. Let’s thank Heidi (my golden retriever I had from the time I was a toddler until I was a teenager who died of cancer and left me broken-hearted) for that. This dude, Ivan, was sweet, but too enormous (Great Pyrenees) for my small people and too slobbery for mother.

After the backyard was kid-friendly again, I was reminded me how much I enjoy children while watching them play in the sandbox. Brother crushing the girls’ castles, cakes, and sneakily throwing dirt down big sister’s shorts as she was digging a mote.

When children are pleasant and babies are cute and snuggly people tend to get baby fever. So I find that I must remind myself of the chaos to help ward off the baby fever. (My 7 year old just blew her nose on her shirt as I was typing this.) If that’s not enough…here you go.

Here are some to-dos help you get through current or future baby fever.

  • Make a bowl of your favorite food. Eat most of it. Look forward to the last bite and then throw it in the trash because if you had a kid they’d ask for it and because you will have already screwed up in the parenting department that day you will give it to them to make up for the other things.
  • Start cleaning your house/dorm/apartment, but every few minutes throw some of your things back on the floor.
  • Go to sleep at night and set 3-4 alarms (if you want multiple children set more) to wake yourself up. Then get up and walk to the kitchen before going back to sleep for an hour before doing it again.
  • Take all of the laundry you own and throw it on the bedroom floor, bathroom floor, living room floor, and right next to every laundry basket you own. Then using positive self talk and energy drinks, try to see if you can do at least 7-9 loads in one day. Fold it then make sure to throw at least half of it back on the floor.
  • Go buy Cheetos and juice. Crush the Cheetos into the floor of your vehicle and dump some of the juice into a cup holder. Let it set for a 7-10 days. Clean and repeat.
  • Hide at least 1-2 apples under the back seat of your vehicle.
  • Pick up as many things as you can carry then have someone add 1-2 more items to your load and see if you can make it from your house to your Cheeto/juice filled vehicle without dropping everything.
  • Wipe food on you shirt then go out in public.
  • Play hide and go seek with your shoes, but make sure they hide in separate places. Everyday.
  • See if you can convince a turtle to put a coat in the closet…or on.
  • Rub toothpaste all over the bathroom counter and leave your toothbrush on the floor.
  • Go find a puppy with adorable eyes and try to scold it.
  • Dump cereal on the floor for hungry mice to eat, but don’t clean it up right away as you’d be taking care of other children or cleaning other messes.
  • Do your dishes at least three times a day.
  • Sleep on the 5 inches of space closest to the edge of the bed while trying not to fall off.
  • Redecorate your home by coloring on the walls with permanent markers.
  • Think about the things you’d really like/want/need to do, but don’t ever do them.

Repeat these things everyday for at least 7 years. Assess whether or not these things bring you happiness. If they do, then parenting might just be your cup of tea. May the force be with you. May God be on your side. May their stubbornness be less stubborn than your stubbornness. Good luck.

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