2023 will go down in my history as the year I stopped killing every plant I brought home and made way more no bake cookies than I should have. The year I finally went to sleep before 11:00pm more times than not. The year I accepted the fact that I no longer have a baby; nor any more on the horizon (Lord willing). The year I realized I am the mother who is saying, “I know it’s so hard right now and there’s no way you can understand it, but believe me, you will miss this.” The year I had some really big epiphanies.
The past several years, I’ve used writing as a way of introspection to help process all of my thoughts and life. I have been very vulnerable in sharing so many of these types of blogs with my little Facebook circle because of the vast amounts of times women have told me it helps them feel not so alone. Lately I’ve been a bit silent in the deep stuff because I feel as though the thoughts I need to write can’t yet be well written; and I have been nowhere near feeling like I can share them. It’s this territory of newfound weakness that I’ve not been ready to accept.
Lately, I have put on a bold face in the midst of turmoil. Lately, I have walked in frailty. Lately, the thought “I’m here” feels valiant.
This is all quite vague, but that’s what I’m bringing to the table today because that’s what I can bring to the table today. And I’m bringing it because I know I’m not alone. I know many of you may be putting on a bold face in the midst of turmoil. You may be walking in frailty. You may be bringing your valiant effort of just being here.
Despite my recent epiphanies of life and faith; God’s character remains. He is righteous. He is good. He is merciful. He is love. Trust in that. Trust that He is near to the broken-hearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
Isaiah 43:1-5 “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior… Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life. Fear not, for I am with you.”
Lysa Terkeurst once said, “Losing someone you love can cut into your heart so viciously it forever redefines who you are and how you think. It’s what I call deep grief. It strains against everything you’ve ever believed. So much so, you wonder how the promises that seemed so real on those thin Bible pages yesterday could possibly stand up under the weight of this enormous sadness today.”
Thankfully I’ve not lost someone I love, but rather something. There are days, I believe, running this race is much easier than others; but I’m holding onto the hope that God is able to do immeasurably more than all I ask or imagine. That He will give me the strength and faith needed to hold onto His promises despite the struggle.
When you feel like you are holding on by a thread; continue holding on by the thread…because eventually, just like my 2023 plants, there will be growth.
Okay. Bye friends.