But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith. Philippians 3:7-9
Knowing I would be leaving home for two entire nights, an overwhelming sense of panic consumed me as soon as I opened my eyes. What followed was a two-day-long wrestling match with my thoughts. My thoughts’ metaphorical hand was raised and I walked off the mat in defeat; typing out a text to throw in the towel and say I’d be staying home from the women’s retreat. Quitting before the journey even started. As I made it to the end of the message a twinge of expectancy fluttered past; expectancy that God would show up as God always does!
Rather than spiraling any further, I started digging. Digging into why I was not excited to have some moments free of responsibility, digging into why the past 9 years have been characterized by being a home-body, digging into why leaving home for two days seemed unfathomable. What came out of the darkness and into the light through this excavation was much more significant than I first anticipated.
For years, I joked that I was a workaholic, but in my digging I realized this was no longer a joke, but a sin, an obsession, an addiction, if you will. Work had become my idol. Work had consumed me. Work had distracted me from Kyle, from my kids, from Jesus. Consistent writing was a thing of the past. Rest was a thing of the past. A quiet mind was a thing of the past.
A phrase I heard recently came to mind, “If Satan can’t keep you bad, he’ll keep you busy.” Well, busy I was, but I refused to say it because busy distracts us from Jesus, busy is an unpresent life, busy is not okay.
Instead of calling a spade a spade, I just lived busy working 10, 12, 14 hours a day…almost every day of the week.
My goal was to be more available to the kids when I left my job years ago to stay home. Photography became a side gig and I saw each session as a blessing, but with time it started to consume me. Every single wedding inquiry that came my way, sign me up. Every single session I didn’t have time for, hold tight, let me finagle my schedule. Every time I scheduled in rest, I quickly unscheduled rest.
It’s as if I was so consumed with doubting God’s provision that I started working more and more until it was almost unbearable.
Anger came more quickly, striving never ceased, and Kyle was doing more and more of the tasks I once did. Not only was this behavior impacting my mind, my family, and my feeling of sanity, but my body started noticing the workload too; aching wrist and tingling fingers. What is happening?
This is not a strong work ethic, Brooke, this is insane!
So after digging, praying, and God revealing so much, I realized this lack of enthusiasm wasn’t to avoid my friends, to avoid leaving my kids, to avoid leaving Kyle, but because I couldn’t edit photos or meet for consultations or improve my search engine optimization or anything else of the like.
Really?
My struggle to leave home was not about leaving home, it was about leaving work. I was shackled by my own to-do list.
Because of that flutter of expectancy days before, I told my thoughts to shut up for a moment and left home.
On night one as my sweet friend was sharing, her words struck me. As she was preparing to leave for the trip she was thinking about all the things that needed completing. One of those things was getting the house ready so her kids would feel comfortable when they came home from school.
Over the past several months, I’ve heard this common theme from several mothers; this idea that they want to give their kids a home they can feel comfortable, safe, and cozy in.
Do you know what I did from Monday through Thursday?
I edited hundreds of photos, responded to emails, created lectures, assignments, and fretted about how I’d make up for losing time to work while I was gone.
That simple comment about her making her kids feel comfortable solidified the fact that my work had become a problem and there is a massive gap between where I am and where I want to be. Countless hours spent looking at my computer screen instead of at my children’s faces. A home of coziness, comfort, peace; let me be a mother who gives that to her children.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you were pummeled with conviction? Me too. Interestingly enough, this wasn’t that moment. This was less of a conviction-pummeling and more of a gentle revealing over the course of five days of some deep rooted sin I needed to become aware of and repent from.
After a couple incredible days away, a real conversation with God and Kyle ensued; asking for forgiveness and direction on how to move forward. No more talk of “Man you’re such a hard worker.” “Wow! Look how much your business has grown!” “How do you run on so little sleep?” Rather, admitting to Kyle that work had become problematic and I needed to lay it at the feet of Jesus. (And no, this does not mean photography is disappearing from my life, but those massively long workdays are.)
This sin hung out in the realms of the unknown for far too long, but with light comes peace, with light comes change, with light comes even more light.
Here is where I lay it down. Every burden, every crown.
This is my surrender. This is my surrender.
Here is where I lay it down. Every lie and every doubt.
This is my surrender. This is my surrender.
Here is where I lay it down. You are all I’m chasing now
This is my surrender. This is my surrender.
-Make Room by the Church Will Sing
For me, it’s been work. For you, it might be something else. The enemy could care less; scrolling, youtube, people-pleasing, Netflix binges, control, shopping, or anything in between. Idolatry may look different on the outside, but at the root it’s the same. It’s anything that takes our eyes off of Jesus and puts our eyes onto something else. It’s directing our adoration off of the Creator and putting it on the creation; the created. It’s clinging to that which cannot bring us peace, satisfaction, security, joy, comfort, or hope.
What good is it if we gain the whole world, but fail to look toward Christ? If we fail to set our eyes on Him fully and completely. If we fail to give Him the adoration He alone is worthy of?
Surrender can be scary. It can feel as if we might walk away empty or lacking. Yet, surrendering to God is quite the opposite. We’re not walking away empty, but walking away full. The definition of surrender, according to the Britannica dictionary, is “to agree to stop fighting, hiding, resisting, etc., because you know that you will not win or succeed.” On my own, I realize, I will not win if I’m constantly looking to something other than Christ. But the beauty here is this: when we surrender our life to Christ, we stand victorious; He is the prize. What more do we need?
What does surrender look like for you? Is it putting the phone down, is it offering authentic forgiveness, is it stepping out in obedience even though that may feel like jumping off a ledge? It’s so easy for the world to entangle us; to ensnare us; yet, let us look to Christ. Let us fix our gaze upon Him. Let us rest in His goodness.
P.S. Not sure why, but…405-420-1433/brooke@heybrookefuller.com